An Unexpected Journey
Hello, my dear fellowship. It’s been some time. You may have noticed my extended absence since the last I wrote to you. Or perhaps you had forgotten all about this publication. Either way: as I gave no forewarning as to my going away, I at least owe an explanation.
The explanation is that I have been on a journey of self-discovery. If that sounds vague, it’s because it is. Sorry, but I am still on said journey, and I cannot yet reveal my destination. Truthfully, I cannot even say for certain where I will ultimately end up. I am changed already, as you will find out if you read on.
The other, deeper explanation is that I have been struggling for a long time with a multitude of issues: mental, emotional, the works. A critical lack of self-esteem and self-worth led to a complete lack of self-care. I was drinking, and drinking, and couldn’t find a reason to stop. Perhaps most dire was my resolute determination to carry on despite it all and bearing what felt like the entire weight of the world singularly on my shoulders. There is a reason our body and our soul feel pain. It is to tell us that something is wrong. Ignoring this signal is just asking for a crash. And crash I did—though not spectacularly. I simply lost the spark that allowed me to continue, and that was it. My self-esteem has never been particularly strong, and after having it shattered again and again by foolishly measuring it in comparison to the world’s opinion of me, eventually I just felt…well, like a ‘self-conscious nothing’.
If that prior paragraph causes you to fret on my behalf, fret not. To quote the singular Marshall Mathers, “I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one.” For starters, I have cut my alcohol consumption by 80-90 percent. It turns out I’m not an alcoholic as it was remarkably easy to do; it was simply a void-filling activity. I have a twice-daily self-care routine now; something unthinkable to the me of four months ago. I have made great strides in repairing my self-worth, which has opened my eyes to the possibilities that were in front of me this entire time. I didn’t have to go work in a warehouse in Wisconsin for well over a year now. I believed it to be where I belonged, because I believed there was nowhere else I could go and nothing else I could do. I had lost my faith in myself; and such a wound is fatal to the human spirit. I clung to my writing as the last vestige of my intellectual prowess, not having anywhere else to put my talents or skill. And even that I began to feel was worthless.
No more of that for me. I am taking my rightful place in the world. I will not be marginalized, ostracized, cast aside as refuse by the “high society” of my peers. I am a Zionist philosopher of much learning and many talents, and I will not be cowed into submission by the ignorant and hateful of my time. I will not be beaten into a corner and made to lie in my own filth till the hour of my earthly departure arrives. No—if the world will not have me, then I will change the world into one that will. And I will not do it alone.
Thus, I have now announced my new job search on LinkedIn. I do not expect it will take long; for really the first time in my life I have become an advocate for myself. Never before have I truly believed myself to be worth advocating for. These are the things you realize after twenty-nine years of self-deception. I am seeking employment in the nonprofit sector, among organizations whose ethos is advocacy against hate. And I am willing to do anything it takes to achieve the mission statement: to defeat hate in our time and for all coming time. Together, we will.
For nearly two years I have felt alone in my own mind, wrestling with monsters and demons beyond my ability to understand and certainly beyond my ability to defeat. If I had not come to the realizations that I have about myself, it is entirely possible I would have stayed blue collar working class for the rest of my life. It is not so bad. You truly can get used to almost anything. I have found routine here, and it offers comfort I desire. But I know—and probably everyone knows—that I could do so much more. And I simply cannot abide wasting my life’s potential any more; not when the stakes are this high. Not when I can do something about the damnable state we’re in. I will labour now so that a ‘me’ of the future can live the life I and we ought to have been able to live: free of hatred and intolerance.
Today is 9/11. Never forget. Yesterday, September 10th, a prominent conservative commentator by the name of Charlie Kirk was politically assassinated. I saw the video and I wish I hadn’t. My mind has been organizing its thoughts on the matter (I am back to writing, after all). I may release an article over the weekend on the subject. May the memories of all those lost to needless violence bless their loved ones and comfort them through the hard times.
I am probably not going to resume the weekly schedule of this publication; at least not until my own life is upended once more by moving and again settles into routine. Instead, I think I will release a series of polemics as they come to me; like the philosophers of old. I’ve always liked Voltaire. He certainly knew how to poke the bear. Anyway: I am back (sort of). Until the next, stay safe and sane.
All the best,
Anthony